I can't stand it when I'm a know-it-all. Neither can anyone else. So why do I do it and how can I stop?
I define being a know-it-all as a state of knowing something and carrying it with certainty. It’s appearing to know something in order to look good instead of being effective. You believe you know something or have an opinion and you put it out there as though it’s a universal truth everyone else needs to respond to.
It looks bad, it feels bad, and most people see through it most of the time.
But I still fall into that know-it-all trap from time to time? Why?
I think when I am a know-it-all there are two drivers behind it.
The first driver of my know-it-allness probably lies in my upbringing and some deep-seated insecurity about how I need to be perceived.
My parents were Ph.D.’s and college professors and my only sibling also is a Ph.D. I only have a Master’s Degree. I’ve always felt insecure about not being as smart as my brother or parents. And it’s not necessarily even true that they are smarter than me. It’s just an emotional feeling of insecurity that has grown deep roots. Deep down its me being an unconscious insecure kid. On the surface it’s me being an unconscious arrogant know-it-all.
In the end, the first driver is an unconscious state of insecurity and arrogance.
I have knowledge and experience that’s valuable. Nothing wrong with that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t know things or know whereof I speak. Knowledge is a great thing and should be shared. But when I spew it as though it’s the only truth out there or all there is, I shut down other possibilities and other people. I can still know what I know, but I could carry it differently.
I could carry it with humility, letting go of my insecurities, and being open to possibility that other people’s point of view may be complimentary, new and value adding. I know I don’t know everything. Even in topics that are my expertise I don’t know everything. I just need to connect to and feel my real humility before I start acting like a know-it-all.
Humility is the antidote to my insecurities and arrogance.
The second driver of my know-it-allness come from a desire to belong.
One time my in-laws were visiting my wife and I in San Francisco.
I took my father-in-law out on the balcony to see the view of the beautiful bay. As we stood there admiring the scene which included the pyramid shaped TransAmerica building right in front of us, I began to tell him all about why it was shaped that way.
The problem was, I didn’t have a clue why it was shaped that way. I was spewing know-it-all bull to impress him, to have him like me, to belong to my new family. It’s embarrassing to admit, believe me, but I am pretty sure something similar to that has happened to everyone at some point in their adult lives.
And just as humility was the antidote to my insecurities and arrogance, letting go and giving myself some self-love is the antidote to needing to belong.
I’m not a bad person or a jerk. I can just act like one on tv sometimes. And I can’t stand it. Most important is I don’t confuse being in a state of know-it-all, with my identity as a person. It’s just a state that comes and goes depending on my level of self-awareness at any given time. I can be humble, vulnerable, caring and compassionate just as often. I would just like to be that way even more often.
So if any of this resonates with you, then give yourself a break, give yourself a hug, and humble down a bit.
You’ll be curious again and with a learning attitude in no time.
Say NO to the know-it-all and YES to the curious learner.
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